The lights descend on my cape cod-style home for the only NFL awards show that really matters. You can keep your stats and sports cliches; they’re not needed here. All the lugs and lasses from around the sports world are piling in for a one-of-a-kind experience, a unique night of narratives.
There was originally going to be a live stream behind a paywall, but don’t worry, enough people complained about having to pay a few bucks to watch something they wanna watch. So now you get no stream at all. What did you learn?
Meet Our Dog Panel of Star Judges
Host: Always arriving first several hours before dinnertime is the veteran presence of future Hall-of-Famer Mille Move, who earned her name from years of setting perfect picks to score a taste of whatever she makes me drop, prompting my cry of MILLE, MOVE! And now that’s her name.
Next is the ageless cause no one knows his age Lincoln, the reigning 10-time champion in the Weirdness category.
And finally, the biggest star here tonight, Frankie Sir Fluffy Pants, who enters with a 312-week streak of his mama catching his pants every Friday.
Judges, are you ready?
Host: Dynamite stuff. Not to worry, I’ll be happy to convey your thoughts for all our guests. Let’s get on with the show!
As always, may all your teams win or be judged by my dogs.
Edelman Award for Blatant Disregard of a Coach
Host: The namesake of this prestigious award comes from Julian Edelman for throwing a TD in a Super Bowl after his offensive coordinator at the time, Josh McDaniels, made it clear he better not try to throw upfield.
And the Winner is… Jameis Winston and Jamaal Williams!
Host: With a 41-17 drubbing of the Falcons well in hand, the Saints went into the Victory formation at the 1-yard line to signal their intention to kneel and run out the remaining 1:13 on the clock. Instead, Winston turned and handed the ball to Williams, who plowed ahead for touchdown.
When the coaches met at midfield after the game, soon-to-be-fired Falcons coach Arthur Smith had some choice words for Saints coach Dennis Allen, who failed to convince Smith that he called a kneel down and his players had done it on their own.
Winston later confirmed that Allen didn’t know what they were going to do, and said it was an impromptu players-only decision in the huddle to get Williams, who led the league with 17 TDs the previous season, his first and only TD of this season.
Judges, your thoughts?
Mille Move: I will never not love both of these guys. Jamaal talk about being a dawg so much, some of my friends think he might be a hybrid. And we really appreciate Jameis’s documentary on the parts of the human body. Humans are strange, but we’re trying to learn. Anyway, these 2 earned the award in week 18 by going rogue against their coach in the most awesomely disrespectful way possible. Like the time my dad left 2 sticks of butter on the counter to soften while he went to the grocery store and I ate them both, wrapper included. But let me tell you, the butter was definitely softened by the time he got home.
Host: Mmm gross, moving on…
Welker Award for Most Passive-Aggressive Press Conference Before a Loss
Host: On January 16, 2011, the Jets traveled to Foxboro for an AFC Divisional Playoff game against the Patriots, who had pummeled them 45-3 late in the regular season. The Jets would end up winning 28-21 in what became known as the Can’t Wait Game, named for the infamous Sal Paolantonio on-field interview with Jets LB Bart Scott.
But leading up to the game, the Jets were surrounded by reports about Rex Ryan’s proclivity for his wife’s, as Jameis might say… leg hands. Patriots WR Wes Welker used his press conference time to make 11 references to feet.
That not-so-subtle troll earned Welker a spot in the bench for the Patriots first drive, and Ryan would end up with the last laugh and a spot in the AFC Championship.
And the winner is… Baker Mayfield!
This is Baker’s 2nd consecutive award, previously winning the Elwantana Award for Greatest Game-Winning Drive.
To earn this one, Baker hit back on Lions DB C.J. Gardner-Johnson regarding the latter’s comments about Baker’s success only being the result of being surrounded by good receivers. In those comments, CJGJ mentioned Mike Evans, Chris Godwin, and Russell Gage as making Baker look perhaps better than he actually is.
The problem, of course, is that Gage got hurt during preseason and has never taken a regular season snap with Mayfield.
Gardner-Johnson ultimately backed up his taunt by picking off Baker and flipping the ball back to him amidst a Lions win over Baker’s Bucs. The following week brought Gardner-Johnson’s karmic balance back to even when he “waved goodbye” to 49ers fans as they held a significant lead in San Francisco. The Niners then put together an incredible comeback and the final goodbye wave sent the Lions home to Detroit with their season over.
Judges, tell us why Baker deserves this award.
Frankie Sir Fluffy Pants: We really felt like Baker put his pants on the line with this press conference moment. It’s not easy to bark back at someone who’s wearing the wrong uniform, but he handled this one well.
However, be warned Baker, there will be no more awards from you until you give your dog some belly scritches. Don’t test us on this.
Pagano Award for Weirdest Play Design
In week 6 of the 2016 season, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano unleashed one of the most bizarre plays of all time.
I would go into further detail on that play, but… no, there’s no explaining that. I watched that live and still to this day have no idea what I saw. I’ve heard people say they were trying to cause a penalty in the confusion, but then they snapped it, so that doesn’t check out.
And the winner is… Former Titans OC Tim Kelly!
When you face a dominant player, it’s pretty standard practice to double-team them using various strategies. Sometimes those tactics work and a great player is held in check. Other times, that great player sniffs out your plan and forces the most embarrassing delay of game we’ve ever seen.
That’s what happened when Titans OC Tim Kelly had 2 of his tight ends, Chigoziem Okonkwo and Josh Whyle, follow Myles Garrett wherever he went. But on a 3rd and 12, Garrett had little fun with his shadows, knowing they had to follow him and the Titans couldn’t snap the ball until those players were set.
Don’t worry, Titans fans, Tim Kelly is gone. he went to the Giants to be their TE coach…
What do you think about that play, Linc?
Lincoln: It was such a weird play, and I know all about weird. But the weirdest part was when the whistle blew and they stopped chasing him. Why would you stop chasing him? I would keep chasing him. Truly baffling.
He Did What Award for Greatest Catch of 2023
As always, there were plenty of nominees to consider here, but there are several variables to consider when trying to live up to the original He Did What catch by Antonio Freeman. It’s a combination of incredible focus, keen awareness of where you are on the field, a bit of contortion, and the impact of the catch on the game.
For his part, Freeman’s miraculous catch was a walkoff overtime game-winner, and prompted yet another brilliant Al Michaels call for the ages.
And the winner is… Tee Higgins!
Somehow the Vikings are always involved. The Freeman catch, last year’s winner was Justin Jefferson, and this year’s winner completed a 2-TD comeback to tie the Vikings.
With the Bengals down by 7 and on the Vikings 21-yard line with 48 seconds left, Jake Browning put one up for Higgins to go get, and he went and got it… at the 1 yard line. And then he made a jaw-dropping athletic play to turn the 20-yard catch into a 21-yard touchdown.
The catch, the full stop inbounds, the balance to not fall forward, then the twist of his body and awareness of his location on the field to know how and where to reach to breach the goal line.
And the importance of the moment to the game cannot be understated. This game-tying TD led to an overtime field goal that kept the Bengals playoff hopes alive late in the season.
Panel, what did you think of that catch?
*Mille whines and drool drips to the floor, Frankie is barking at a leaf, Linc is spinning in circles*
Well folks, those sounds mean tonight’s show is over and it’s officially doggo dinnertime o’clock. Congrats to all of our lucky winners, and see you all again next year for The hell going on Awards!
Well done and very funny!
Thanks,
Reid
Wes Welker is absolutely hilarious. I can’t imagine this guy having played in that gulag up in New England, but I guess it helped that he was money. As for almost famous Jameis? I believe him. For one!
Good for Baker too. I think the dude has found himself a home.